TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally away from place. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let us have A further place exactly where American Guys can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is comfortable energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It can be that he ought to stop working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the project, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Trump Tower Damascus Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from House, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Capabilities


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting consideration from international traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree may even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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